New Office Policy

totallyforgiven2 · 08-09-2008

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. These are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!

newtronical1 · 08-09-2008

Whew, I am sure glad I dont work at your office. 15 minutes for lunch would be unacceptable.

totallyforgiven2 · 08-09-2008

LOL, I work for the state of Pennsylvania, and if they could get away with it, they would actually adopt this policy, lol. there are approximately 1000 employees at the facility I work at.

singpraiz4hym · 08-09-2008

ROFLOL Wisconsin would too, especially in government!! This was toooo funny!

totallyforgiven2 · 08-10-2008

The truth be told, I am sure it would be more than government jobs that would try to swing that, lol.

HisServant77 · 08-10-2008

LOL lol I love that. Sad thing though, Newt, how would you like to have worked where I used to work . . . where I was never allowed to take a break for lunch at all, being the manager! My bosses didn't like the idea of me not being able to attend to business matters at all times I was at work. Then if I had another manager to relieve me for a few minutes, the max time I was allowed was 10 minutes. Ah well, I had gotten used to it

(I like that clothing reasoning LOL lol That's funny there, and the bathroom . . . I guess I'd be one of the ones placed under the mental health policy, because I'd probably do it JUST for fun lol)

jtdaily · 08-10-2008

Rofl...........lol
I'm still on the floor laughinglol

totallyforgiven2 · 08-10-2008

Glad this is tickling everyones funny bone, I have always heard that laughter is the best medicine and I know for a fact it is.

I was in fast food and in management and you seldom got a break, you were suspose to, but seldom did. So I can relate.

08-09-2008	#1
totallyforgiven2 Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 928 Rep Power: 1	New Office Policy EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008 NEW OFFICE POLICY Dress Code: You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. These are called Saturdays & Sundays. Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. Bathroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy. Lunch Break: * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. * Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. * Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. The Management Pass this on to all who are employed! Last edited by totallyforgiven2; 08-09-2008 at 10:54 AM.

08-09-2008	#2
newtronical1 Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Alabama Posts: 1,870 Rep Power: 1	Re: New Office Policy Whew, I am sure glad I dont work at your office. 15 minutes for lunch would be unacceptable.

08-09-2008	#3
totallyforgiven2 Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 928 Rep Power: 1	Re: New Office Policy LOL, I work for the state of Pennsylvania, and if they could get away with it, they would actually adopt this policy, lol. there are approximately 1000 employees at the facility I work at.

08-09-2008	#4
singpraiz4hym Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Central Wisconsin Posts: 1,903 Rep Power: 1	Re: New Office Policy ROFLOL Wisconsin would too, especially in government!! This was toooo funny!

08-10-2008	#5
totallyforgiven2 Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 928 Rep Power: 1	Re: New Office Policy The truth be told, I am sure it would be more than government jobs that would try to swing that, lol.

08-10-2008	#6
HisServant77 Psalm 119:125 Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Louisiana Posts: 4,011 Images: 1 Rep Power: 1	Re: New Office Policy LOL lol I love that. Sad thing though, Newt, how would you like to have worked where I used to work . . . where I was never allowed to take a break for lunch at all, being the manager! My bosses didn't like the idea of me not being able to attend to business matters at all times I was at work. Then if I had another manager to relieve me for a few minutes, the max time I was allowed was 10 minutes. Ah well, I had gotten used to it (I like that clothing reasoning LOL lol That's funny there, and the bathroom . . . I guess I'd be one of the ones placed under the mental health policy, because I'd probably do it JUST for fun lol)

08-10-2008	#7
jtdaily Child of God~Mom~Wife Join Date: May 2003 Location: Washington Posts: 5,197 Rep Power: 1	Re: New Office Policy Rofl...........lol I'm still on the floor laughinglol

08-10-2008	#8
totallyforgiven2 Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 928 Rep Power: 1	Re: New Office Policy Glad this is tickling everyones funny bone, I have always heard that laughter is the best medicine and I know for a fact it is. I was in fast food and in management and you seldom got a break, you were suspose to, but seldom did. So I can relate.

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